Hikari no Jounetsu (The passion of the light)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: (Nagareboshi series) No matter how many years have passed, why does Ryuichi still feel unworthy of the only person he sings for? (This follows the Aching Desire timeline.)


**fandom: Gravitation**

**title: Hikari no Jounetsu.**

**pairing: Ryuichi x Tatsuha**

**rating: pg-13**

**Description – No matter how many years have passed, why does Ryuichi still feel unworthy of the only person he sings for? (This follows the Aching Desire timeline.)**

**Disclaimer – Maki Murakami is the genius behind this series and I love it too much to ever let it go.**

**Of course, the poetry/lyrics are mine.**

**Hikari no Jounetsu. (The passion of the light.)**

**By Miyamoto Yui**

**Prologue – Nani ga miteru no? (What do you see?)**

"It's your turn to check it!"

I took off my large headphones and I put them on Kumagorou, who was sitting on top of my song notebook. Taking a deep breath, I felt my whole body start to relax.

I could clearly see my reflection on the window overlooking the river: My eyes changed back to normal.

The other me was again hiding in the depths of my soul.

I pushed myself from my seat and started to look for Tatsuha. When I got to the threshold leading to the living room, I stopped and crossed my arms, grinning until my face hurt.

Even for a second, if I'm not next to you, you still miss me.

In the darkness, the brightness of the television touched Tatsuha's face. He was hugging himself as he watched an old videotape intently. My eyes looked up from his back and I saw myself, dressed in white pants and a black midriff with a long, dark blue vinyl jacket, singing under the multi-colored lights at Nittle Grasper's very first live.

"Whenever I gaze at you,

I've got no prayers left to save me,

You are the sin in between my hands,

Let me be burned to death from ecstasy.

How did you get through the walls?

How could you get to me?

I don't understand

Where you come from

Or what you want."

The camera got a close up of Tohma lowering his head away from the camera when I wrapped my microphone wire around his waist and pulled him towards my body.

"But the excitement makes my heart

Dizzy with envy

At all the times

You aren't with me.

Hold me closer

Strangling all my breath away.

I want to give you everything

Even if you don't want me…"

Panning out, I let go of Tohma and unwrapped the wire. Then, I ran towards Nuriko, putting my fingers on another part of the synthesizer and playing the interlude with her.

I looked away from the television.

Whenever I remembered that time, I was so disappointed in myself. It was a doll on stage. He had a good voice and all he knew how to do was hide behind singing wildly.

He didn't care what other people took away from it.

That empty person's talent haunted me: He thought that the truth was letting out the bitterness of his feelings through the only thing that made him special.

I walked up to Tatsuha and sat behind him, wrapping my arms around his body. Putting my legs on the sides of his body, I then kissed his neck as he smiled.

"Rewind it to the beginning again."

"Why?"

"I want to try something."

"Okay," he answered as I put my hands under his light v-neck sweater.

As soon as the song started, I started to kiss his neck again. His whole body tensed up as I kneaded his ribs in between my hands. Then, I began to sing into his ear along with the video as he pressed his back more against my chest.

"Ryu…" He gasped in between stanzas and shook his head.

"What do you want from me?

How can I keep you

From cutting the red thread?

I corner you

Because I want your

Scent all over my body,

But why do I always feel

Like you want to

Let go of me?"

As the song ended, he reached back to touch my neck as I stuck out my tongue to catch his and kiss him again. He looked at me flushed and he took a deep breath.

I loved those eyes that only looked me this way.

For a moment, I kept my hand under his chin and stared at those breathtaking lips.

The song I had made for Touma years ago, how could it be yours now?

Somehow, it nagged me.

"Ryuichi?"

I shook my head and let his chin go. "It's nothing, Tatsuha."

He started to watch the video again in a trance. I ended up watching the entire video with him, holding him quietly in between my arms. He smiled contentedly as he leaned back and I looked at his profile. But then, I hugged him tighter and buried my head into his shoulder.

Again, it crept into my heart: The fear of the warmth I held onto would be gone.

Please. Please stay with me, Tatsuha.

Later on that night, I gasped and my eyes opened in shock. I looked around frantically in the darkness for you as my hand reached to your side of the bed. I don't know why I still woke up instantly the moment your body wasn't next to mine.

But Tatsuha cupped his hand on my cheek though I couldn't see anything. "I'm here."

I closed my eyes ready to cry but I didn't want him to feel my tears. I couldn't even say, "I know."

Even when I hear my voice play all over the nation,

even as your eyes watch my concerts in wonder and delight,

even though you're right here as proof for all the things I did,

I still don't understand what you see.

**Tsuzuku…/To be continued…**

**Author's note: ** Hello again. It has been a long time, hasn't it? I don't know why, but I ended up looking at Aching Desire this past week.

From the time I made it, I had often thought of making it from Ryuichi's perspective. To tell you the truth, all those other times I read this (Yes, I read some of my favorites once in a while), I couldn't. It didn't feel right. And now, I had this urge and it tugged at my heart so much I couldn't ignore it anymore.

I can't explain how or why, but I know I must now, though it is about a decade later. Maybe it is time.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm scared because for myself, I have a lot of things in question. And one of those questions is: Ryuichi, how much have you grown with me though I didn't touch you for a long time?

But he is within me and even if it'll be long again, I hope that you will enjoy it. I feel warm as I type this to you and am happy to be with you once more.

Thank you, as always, for your support.

Love always,

Yui

9/19/2013 02:16:45 AM - Tokyo


End file.
